Free Yourself

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5" Liam counts and then jumps from the dining room table into my arms.


"Mama, more please?" shouts Liam.

"OK, one more time, then no more jump." I say with my best "I mean business" look.


Most use their dining room table to lay out their best linens and grandma's china and of course practicing eating without drooling, but not us. We do sit and eat every meal at our dark, wooden, eight seater, but through out the day the boys could be standing side-by-side on the table performing the song "open shut them" or sliding to the tunes over the radio.


We do have rules and expectations for our children like no feet on the table while we are eating and everyone cleans their own dishes, but Peter and I have own guidelines to the stuff in our home:

1. We never buy anything that is not well produced and sturdy.
2. All the upholstered furniture can be machine washed or covers can be reasonably replaced.
3. We don't purchase furniture that we will cause a "great depression" (emotionally or financially) if damaged. We are saving our artisan crafted furniture buying for when our children have their own off-spring.
4. Finally, it has to look good! No frumpy, saggy hand-me-down furniture (when I was pregnant for the last time with Liam I drove all our furniture to the Salvation Army... more about this later).

I don't spend much time yelling at our three,"monkeys" about jumping on the couch or building a fort with the sofa pillows. Instead I can spend time encouraging their bonding and exploration while I get to sit back and check my email or Facebook page without feeling like I have to monitor the boys' every move.

Ask Angela

Ask Angela

The Ask Angela section is printed in th Parenting Autism newsletter every month, so send your questions to angela@parenting-autism.net.

I have recently received a bunch of questions regarding potty training. I am not a master at this, I am actually pretty lazy. I don’t push my kids and Dylan and Tristan were both potty trained after the age of four. However it didn’t take much time once they were ready. To prepare for potty boot camp I (or sometimes someone at school) created a picture board with the sequence of pottying. Since Dylan can be very sensitive to having his own stuff, Dylan’s teacher made a picture board with his picture and name.

So, in our bathroom we have two picture boards— one for Tristan and one for Dylan. In the beginning of potty boot camp I will explain that I am not buying anymore pull-ups and they will pee and poop in the toilet. I give them the rules and the directions to follow and if it is all done according to plan a reward is given.

Now, they follow each step without prompting or help (or reward). Having everyone involved in the potty boot camp is the key to success— school, family members, and etc.
With both Tristan and Dylan I thought they may enter kindergarten in pull-ups but to my surprise they potty-trained within a weekend without much effort.

The keys were: being ready, visual supports, and a good reward (and maybe enough laundry detergent). Good luck!

Begin with a Smile

Last week I was driving along the zig-zag roads that climb and descend the Green Mountains to a Build Your Family workshop that I was giving to a bunch of parents. During the drive I replay my six hour workshop in my head, sometimes quizzing myself about the sections and going through the possible questions I would be asked. I do all this to squash the fear that someone may fall asleep as I explain the need to come to an understanding of your own fears, anxiety, and sometimes even depression before you can truly move forward to preparing your child for adulthood.

After each workshop I give, I call Peter to report how many sleepers I had. To my credit I have only had one attendee fall asleep and that was a medical student during a lecture about autism. At this workshop the conversation turned hot when discussing IEP meetings and the attendees scribed pages of notes. So, I thought this would be a great topic for a newsletter.

I been to many workshops about special education law and the IEP process which I think are all valuable resources and information every parent with a child with special needs must become educated in. However, what I teach during my Build Your Family workshop revolves around behavior— your behavior and the school’s behavior. As a parent you have to know the special education laws to advocate for your child, but how you advocate can change the outcome.

First thing, the only person you can change is YOURSELF. You are going to be in a losing battle if try to change other people. However, you can change how you react to people.

When talking to folks about setting-up an IEP or team meeting, people will tell me, “Well, I have my folder on special education law and I know my child’s needs.” And I will say, “Ok, so what is the first thing you do when you walk in the room?” I always get the look, like “this lady is crazy.” How you walk into the room sets the stage for the entire meeting.

So, next time you have an IEP or team meeting, try my beginning meeting strategies:

• Get there early or at least on time.
• Leave your emotions at the door. Try to separate the emotions from the tasks at hand (I will write more about this later).
• Walk in with a smile on your face and look everyone in the eye as you greet them.
• Sit at the head of the table (you are the meeting facilitator).
• Bring a recorder and place it on the table and turn it on; so you can listen and engage everyone and still have “notes” from the meeting.
• Bring an agenda of the topics to be discussed (email then to the team in advance to have everyone able to participate and bring copies for everyone).
• Begin the meeting by thanking everyone for coming and working with your family.
• Ask everyone to stick to the topics on the agenda so you can finish the meeting on-time.

After the meeting, process how the other team member reacted to you, were they more or less responsive through out the meeting? Did you work toward bettering your child’s educational experience? Was there less or more struggle? Did you feel accomplished and heard?

Next week I will discuss other ways that behavior can dictate your IEP or team meetings.

Back on Track

Sorry I have neglected you again. I can make excuses, or show you my filled calendar, or plead for your forgiveness, but I think I won’t. You all know how it is when your household revolves around all your commitments and then at night when I should sit down at the computer and tell you about my latest adventure, I fall asleep! Right there in bed with a kid and a pile of allergy infested dust-mite collectors (Dylan’s loveys Snowy 1, 2, and 3), my only alone time taken by sleep.

Well here we are mid-February and currently no one in our house is sick, but that could change at any moment and by tonight we will all be praying to the porcelain throne. Since we veered into the realm of viruses I will add my tips to surviving a sick household.

• When you are healthy cook some chicken or turkey soup to freeze for the moments when your family has been kidnapped by germs (see recipe below).


• Buy an additional waterproof pad for the bed (not fitted). It looks like a waterproof top sheet that you can throw down on top of the bottom sheet. I find it especially helpful when I have already changed the sheets once and I don’t want to change them again. If you are lucky the vomit will stay right on the waterproof sheet and underneath is a clean, dry sheet.


• Keep a bottle of white vinegar and Borax in the laundry room. I don’t scrub or rinse. I just add a cup of white vinegar and a cup of Borax to the laundry detergent and wash with warm water. It will get out all the smells and stains.


• Stack-up old towels in an easy to access (when kids are vomiting) place, so you are ready for clean-up.


• Store a box of crackers in the pantry for the patients. It saves a trip to the store with sick kids.


• REST because if you don’t you will be the next to be feeling the pain.
  
  Angela’s Chicken Soup Recipe
  
  1 whole chicken
  3 cloves of garlic (chopped)
  6 stalks of celery (chopped)
  5 carrots (sliced)
  3 onions (chopped)
  1 bag frozen corn
  1 pint of mushrooms
  1 teaspoon tarragon
  1 teaspoon celery seed
  1 bay leaf
  Salt and pepper to taste
  1 tablespoon of lemon juice
  1 tablespoon of soy sauce
  
  Directions: Preheat the oven to 450. Place the whole chicken in a roasting pan and massage the chicken with olive oil and salt and pepper. Place the chicken in the oven for 1 hour to 1 ½ hour depending on the size; continue until fully cooked.
  
  Pick all the meat off the chicken and set aside. Place the bones and fat into a large pot and cover with water and ¼ cup of salt. Place on the stove on the highest temperature until it boils. Continue to cook for 2 hours (more if you would like) and add celery ends (leaves too), one carrot, one onion. Cook for another 40 minutes, then strain the broth out into a bowl and set aside. Compost vegetables.
  
  Place the large pot back on the stove on a medium/high temperature add olive oil and sauté 2 onions and 3 garlic cloves until light brown. Then add carrots, celery, mushrooms, and corn and simmer until cooked. Add tarragon, celery seed, bay leaf, salt, and pepper to vegetables and stir. Then add the reserve broth, lemon juice, and soy sauce and simmer until warm. Serve or store in the freezer.

The Holidays and Autism

We have come a long way from Tristan hiding under the table at holiday parties (or any gathering more than just his immediate family) and grabbing guest’s legs as they entered his space. To an onlooker Tristan’s behavior might have seemed childish and fun, but not to me I saw years of parties with Tristan hiding. So like anything else in Tristan’s world we began teaching him how to behave appropriately at a party, not that we expected a chatty preschooler who stood-up and sang his favorite tune, but we needed him not to run under the table and pull down the tablecloth to hide behind.

Any party can be stressful for children with ASD, but I think the holidays offer a whole new bag of surprises. Expectations are high, change is present, and the anxiety (good or bad) can bring Tristan tumbling down. During the holidays our worlds are whipped up on high-speed — think of all the change that just happens at home.

We celebrate Christmas, so a tree moves in and just as Tristan is getting adjusted to the smell, the space it takes up, the lights, and all the decorations, the tree is discarded in the compost pile. Then anxiety of the actual day of Christmas, everyday until Christmas I will be asked, “Is it Christmas, today?” Then all the preparation— the tree, the cooking, the parties, comes to a halt and people invade our home to enjoy our yearly Christmas day open house.

Now Tristan has learned to entertain our guests instead of hiding, but has opportunities to escape if needed. Tristan might even give a holiday smooch, if you are a patient.

Tips to making your holiday the best ever:

• Teach your child the appropriate way to act at a party. You might begin slowly with the child sitting on your lap or in a body sock, but being with the crowd. Then work towards interacting with the party-goers — my favorite trick to getting Tristan to be social at a party is to give him a job like handing out drinks or passing around appetizers.
  



• Write a social story about the party or about the holiday, so the child knows what to expect.
  



• Give a movie break, if you see anxiety level rising.
  



• Make a holiday calendar to mark special events like going to buy a Christmas tree or school play or party. Don’t forget to mark when the tree is leaving the house.
  



• Keep everything simple and then it will be less overwhelming for everyone.
  



• Relax, if you are stressed likely your child will be stressed, so kick back and enjoy your time with your family and friends.

The Holiday Season is Knocking

As we trotted down the front steps to our blue mini-van the snow flakes twirled around our heads landing on the leaves and melting, but soon the white puffs will stay and our home will fill with a balsam fir and smell of sugar cookies. With a grin across his face, Tristan lowered his voice and asked, "When will Santa come?"

As much as Tristan loves the holidays it does bring a bag of anxieties that we need to sort out like relatives wanting to chat with him about school and all he wants is to discuss the Star Wars movies while hiding behind me. Not to mention the hugging and kissing. I think Tristan wants to participate in the ritual of affection, but has a difficult time crossing over from wanting to doing. While his brothers bounce from one lap to another giving-out hugs and kisses freely, Tristan usually sticks close to my side guarding against any surprise attacks.

We have made improvements in the last few years, I remember one family celebration that Tristan spent the entire evening under a serving table and when anyone came near he would fend off the advances with a kick. That was before Tristan really had any meaningful communication and before his sensory system was regulated.

Now we have strategies:

• We try and down play the holidays because the build-up to the event can cause more anxiety then needed. One year, Peter and I did not tell Tristan it was Christmas until the night before.
• We scale back on all the family gatherings and everyone is invited to our house on Christmas day so that Tristan has all his supports.
• Unless the kids bring up Christmas we don't really talk about it.
• We don't have a TV, so our kids don't get all the commercials about Christmas.
  

In the end we try to enjoy all the rituals leading up to the holiday season like hiking and finding the perfect tree to cut down and bring home or the stringing of our outdoor lights. We create little events throughout the two months that are just as exciting and special, but have less stress involved.

Cast Your Ballot for a Package

The day before the election and all my people (the folks that will admit that they are my friends, colleagues, and associates) are not breathing, they are panting with anxiety. Perhaps government officials will have to pump Prozac through the water system to just get people out of bed and to the polls and work.

Why are people in such a frenzy? Well, the economy crashed into a deep underwater recession which means job security is under siege and our retirements disappeared along with many people’s homes. Top this off with the balance statement of the war (both lives loss and the dollar amount) and our country finds it self in a downward spiral.

I have read and hear some say that they are going to vote for a candidate because they have talked more about autism and I say don’t vote for one issue, cast your ballot for a package that will in the long-run help your family and your community. As much as all of us in the autism community want more funding for research to find a cure for autism, let’s be realistic whomever gets the Oval Office will not be spending much time or resources on autism until workers are back on the job and home foreclosures reduce (some are families affected by ASD).

The United States needs a leader that will act quickly to restore and strengthen our economy, but also one that will build-up the people including people diagnosed with autism. Talking about funding more autism research is just one piece, what about upholding the federal government agreement to help fund special education or increasing the budget for Head Start programs?

If the federal government coughed-up the money they agreed to pay for special education (about 40% of the bill instead of just under 20%) not only will our children be gaining but our towns in lower educational taxes. Think of all the issues that impact your family from job security to healthcare to education and then mark your ballot.

Remember Barack Obama voted to increase the funding for special education and Head Start (S.Amdt. 2292 to H.R. 3010, Vote 273, 10/26/08; AFT Voting Record for 109th Congress, accessed 7/1/08) and to insure millions of children through the SCHIP program (H.R. 976, Vote 307, 8/2/07; S.Con.Res. 21, Vote 172, 5/17/07) while his opponent John McCain voted against families (S.Amdt. 2254 to H.R. 3010, Vote 272, 10/26/05; S.C.R. 23, Vote 86, 3/25/03; H.R. 2660, Vote 333, 9/9/03; H.R. 1836, Vote 154, 5/22/01).