Top 5 Tips to Help your Child Avoid Bullying

Avoiding bullying can take a toll on not just your child but the entire family.  Kids with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) can be especially vulnerable to bullying, so beginning the bullying talk early can be beneficial to making sure your child can advocate for himself and is not be prey to the bully.  Here are five tips to help your child dodge the bully:

1.      

Give Examples.  Explain to your child about what it looks like when people are making fun of your child or being mean.  If you witness someone teasing or being cruel to your child point-it-out to your child.  For example:  “When Joey said you are a nerd that was not nice.”  Often children with ASD don’t know when people are being unkind to them, so you need to teach what callous behavior looks like and then you can start with the next step.

2.      

Open the communication lines.   Have frequent conversations with your child about what is teasing, what is bullying, and what is a friend, and then ask questions like “Did anyone get in trouble today?” or “Who are your favorite friends?”

3.      

Help Your Kid Find His Group.  When kids have friends and travel in a group they are less likely to be targeted by a bully, so encourage your child to find his cliché.  Join clubs or sports that your child likes and try to establish friendships. 

4.      

Teach You Child How-to Stand-Up to the Bully.  Teach your child how to leave the situation without too much harm. 

·         First don’t engage (no talking or physical behavior, it will just encourage the bully).

·         Walk quickly away (don’t run, they will chase).

·         Find a trusted adult to tell

5.      

Talk to other parents and teachers.  Avoid potential problems by talking your son/daughter’s teacher and other parents at your child’s school.  Knowing the potential bully or his parents can help prepare your child to stay clear of the path of the bully or help you defuse the situation.   What is the climate at school?  Who are the kids that are the aggressors?  

Stay Fit while Getting Centered

“What happened to Tristan yesterday?” asked his case manager at school. 

I tilted my head with a dash of confusion and slight terror as Tristan has gotten himself into some tricky social situations recently and said, “What do you mean?” 

As her eyes widened, she said, “Well, Tristan was so focused during our sessions today.  No flopping on the floor or fidgeting in his seat.”

Suddenly I knew what she was talking about; Tristan had swum the night before.  Not dawdling around the pool with us, but swim team.  Seventy-five minutes of working on strokes and swimming laps. 

Often kids on the spectrum (my kid included) prefer play a video game to getting their heart pumping.  The rules can be difficult to follow and interacting with peers— well, is tough and most youth activities that keep you “lean and cute” are team sports.  All kids (rather all people) need regular exercise to stay healthy mentally and physically, so here is a list of some sports/activities that kids on the spectrum have enjoyed:

·        Swimming:  Try a local non-competitive swim team to learn different stokes and to get your body moving.

·        Ice Skating:  Take a US Figure Skating group lesson.  Some kids love the gliding on the ice and feeling the wind on their faces.

·        Downhill Skiing: Again the wind on the face is loved by all that crave sensory stimulation.  Schedule a private lesson on a beginner slope to learn how-to turn and stop.

·        Biking:  Once you get the technique down, biking can be freedom while working your muscles.

·        Martial Arts:  Discipline and moving your body are pieces to martial arts.

·        Quidditch:  This is a team game, but for Harry Potter fans (like Tristan) it can be trilling.  Check your local Parks and Recreation for Quidditch teams in your area.

Last tip:  inform the instructor that your child has autism and tell them how best your child learns or what to do with unwanted behaviors.  Remember they might not know what autism is or how to help your child, so give them some clues and help.

Snap that Umbilical Cord

For many months, perhaps even years, I have been preparing for this day.  I am not birthing a child or graduating from school or giving my vows of marriage, I have done all that, no this afternoon I cut the umbilical cord.  Not the one Peter slit, but the cord of dependence that has been stretched to the point of breakage.

Over the summer Peter and I began leaving Tristan home alone while we ran two blocks to pick-up milk and bread.  Just like teaching Tristan how-to communicate or what social cues look like, we have coached Tristan in being responsible while being home alone.  Being home alone is one thing, but now Tristan will be walking from school to the library with friends.  Two blocks, one side street to cross, and hanging-out with the others kids that is what I will face this afternoon.

My friend, Diana, said you could spy from across the street.  As much as I want to jump behind the bushes and experience Tristan’s independence with him that would be just stretching the cord further not snapping it.  We moved to this town of 8,000 residents so our children could grow-up walking to school and to the store.  In the 1970’s I walked to kindergarten with a friend, without a parent.  Today, crime is lower than the 1970s and 1980s and I still have ping in the stomach every time I think of Tristan strutting down the sidewalk.  

Just like the sadness and anxiety of weaning a nursing baby or leaving your kindergartener at school, plunging your child into the world without you is another milestone toward adulthood.  The sadness comes with the realization that you can never turn back.  It is not like I can begin nursing my eight year old again as much as I might miss the cuddling, I really don’t miss always carrying a baby, so we are moving forward and growing (hopefully not horizontally). 

How Temple Grandin Changed My Parenting

I posted a link to a TED talk that Temple Grandin gave in February on the Parenting Autism Facebook fan page.  Then I asked members what they thought of Temple and the responses reminded me why Temple Grandin changed my parenting.

After Tristan was diagnosed with ASD, I drove right to Bear Pond Books 
(our local book seller) and guess what they had one copy of Thinking in Pictures.  That night I read the book from cover to cover and woke-up with a different thought about how I parented Tristan.

We already knew that Tristan responded to visual cues more than verbal cues, but Temple's description of how a visual thinker interprets the world gave me a greater understanding.  I am a verbal thinker, you say "school", I know what you are talking about, my brain does not flip through a Rolodex of pictures of all the schools I have ever seen.  But I think Tristan does. 

So, I began to shift my thinking to how Tristan may think.  The first step we took was to give Tristan more time to process verbal language.  If you are a visual thinker, flipping through all those pictures could at first take longer than a person who is a verbal thinker.  What we found is that if given a little longer to process Tristan did respond verbally.

Then I decided to make Tristan's world more visual with picture boards through out our house (and at school) to provide some independence to Tristan.  He could access the information he needed about dressing, bathing, brushing teeth, getting ready for school, daily schedules, and undressing.  Ann, our SLP (speech language pathologist), even made me a bracelet with tiny pictures dangling off so when we were out-and-about I had pictures to use to communicate with Tristan.

The bracelet became essential in diverting tantrums or when I needed to communicate quickly with Tristan.  Knowing how Tristan thought leaped me forward to understanding what skills to cultivate in Tristan.  Tristan spends hours building with Legos or reading comic books.  And in kindergarten Tristan began making his own books, first without words then now with words and even a storyline.

The most valuable information Temple gave me (as a parent) was what she calls the "1950's parenting".  How I interpreted Temple's words was that I needed to be direct with Tristan.  For example, if Tristan is talking to his classmates at lunch about a comic book and all his friend's non-verbal cues are saying they are not interested.  I would say, "Tristan look at all your friends' faces, they are not interested in Spiderman, ask them what they want to talk about."  Also, if Tristan doesn't respond to a person greeting him, I would position Tristan's body to face the greeter and have Tristan respond.  I think of all this as practice for Tristan.

Time for a change...

Today is a new day... at least for my blog.  For last three years I have been blogging on Blogger and I have finally made the switch to adding these words directly to my website.  I think it will be easier for readers to scan the Parenting Autism website for new stuff while also keeping up with my blog.  Two different website to maintain made my head spin which sometimes resulted in lack of writing. 

So, if you vow to come back here and read my blog, then I promise to write more often.  Got to run after some little boys.  Hugs, Angela

Parenthood... Is it good or bad for the autism community?

I love to junk-out on TV.  That doesn't mean I actually get to watch mainly due to the fact we don't own a television.  Like many other families with kids on the spectrum, we gave away our T.V. after we caught two year old, Tristan watching static.  I guess now not owning a tube doesn't stop you from watching shows online which I do a few times a week, but I do find myself having to schedule and prioritize. 

Last night I found myself watching Parenthood once again.  Parenthood entertains and keeps me coming back week after week.  At first I wanted to see how the writers and actors would incorporate the Aspie character, Max, but now Parenthood draws me into the drama of the relationships and struggles families face.

Sure, Parenthood is a Hollywood version of real life and always seems to end the hour on an upbeat.  Like last episode when Max received his first home behavioral services and by the end of the show Max had his first play interaction.  Not so realistic, but at least the mainstream gets a glimpse of the challenges and joys faced by a family affected by ASD.

Frankly, the most misleading part was in the second episode when Max, who is highly functioning, was asked to leave public school and the parents agreed.   First Parenthood sent a message to their viewers that parents are suddenly able to enroll their child in a private school and that they were able to dig up the money to pay.  But, the most disturbing part of the story line is that the writers erased the last thirty years of special education law that clearly states that all students are entitled to an education even if the school district must make accommodations.  

Instead of portraying parents working with their public school to create an educational environment conducive to learning  for their child with ASD, the writers took the bland way out.  Often advocating for your child within the public school offers some great stories that the Parenthood writers could have pulled from.  Perhaps the writing staff should call some parents with kids on the spectrum to see what everyday life is really like for families.

With that said I guess I will sit down tonight and watch this week's episode and I am sure I will be entertained. 

Blueberry Yogurt, really?

Tristan added a new food to his diet this past weekend.  Ya, we are celebrating because I can't even remember the last time Tristan added a new food.  I think it has been years.  Usually, Tristan discards a food item from his shrinking list of edibles, but his time he added blueberry,  Horizon Yogurt Tuberz.  Blueberry!  Can you believe it?  I can't, since Tristan's only fruit and vegetable he has eaten for the last 4 years has been hard (no bruises), green apples.  Maybe a red, Macintosh once in a while, but only if hunger hits and we are in an apple orchard.

I can just hear the screams, you are just dying to know his food list.  OK, here it is:

• Manghi's whole wheat rolls
• Chocolate Koala cereal, no milk
• beef as a hamburger or in taco corn shells
• Vermont Cure breakfast, maple sausages, but only at lunch time
• Green apples
• Corn chips
• Plain potato chips (if we let him)
• Pretzels
• Veggie Bottie
• Plain pasta with soy sauce
• Brown rice with soy sauce
• My homemade peperoni pizza
• Green apple jelly beans (when let him)
• Beef hot-dogs no ketchup
• Fries

So, there you had it, the fifteen items Tristan will eat.  His occupational therapist and a nutritionist have been working with Tristan for about five years to expand his menu choices with minimal change.  He plays with food and smells different items (which he loves), but until now the therapy has just improved Tristan gag reflux.  Sometimes Tristan will even try to taste the food, but often it ends in a tantrum.

I have a theory on the Horizon Yogurt Tuberz, Tristan can't see what he is eating. In addition the texture is smooth.   No lumps, bumps, and-- no chewing.  I have tried freezing shakes or fruit to make Popsicles and Tristan refused, mainly do to how it looks.

Perhaps I will wash-out a Tuberz and insert some pureed carrots or strawberries and surprise Tristan.  He would probably catch-on to my deception, but it could be an idea. 

Time-Out Strategies

Yesterday, I was chatting in the hall at school with a mom (of kid with autism) about discipline and guess what? She admitted that she only disciplines her typically developing children, not her child with autism. Since this was the third conversation about disciplining kids on the spectrum in the last three days, I thought this would be a good place to discuss the ins and outs of discipline strategies.

Today, I am just going to talk about how to effectively use a "time-out" for young (1-5) children with autism. First, if your "time-out" strategy has failed in the past, change the name and place (we actually call our time-out, break time) for a fresh beginning.

Set-up your time-out chair. Whether you use a chair or a bean bag or a step, keep it consistent and easy for your child to take a break and re-group. For children with sensory issues which makes sitting more difficult, try placing a Gymnic Disc in-between the child and the chair; it will give some sensory stimulation while allowing your child to sit longer.

If your child is a visual learner take a picture of your child sitting in the time-out chair, print out the photo, and tape it to the wall just above the time-out chair. Write "Time-Out Chair" below the photo to add another support. The photo will reinforce the proper behavior and remind the child why they are taking a break.

Free the time-out area of distractions; for example: clear toys away, turn-off the Ipod or the T.V., and allow your child time to re-group, so he will be available to make better choices.

Use a visual clock with timer so your child can see how long they need to sit. Typically one minute for each year of life, but children with autism might need to practice to sit in a chair for five minutes if they are five years old. So, begin with one minute and work toward the five minute goal. Keep the clock out of reach of the child, but in visual proximity. Now that your time-out chair is set-up and ready for use, now what?

When we are discussing time-outs (or discipline in general) often parents are ones that need the rules. We can get emotional and forget that we are teaching proper behavior and explode into a fast talking, babbling fool that our children can't understand. Here are some guidelines to follow for success:

* Be patient! Re-frame the situation. For example: Your child wackes you on the head with a plastic hammer and it really hurts and all you want to do is scream and jump up and down. Instead, breath, count, leave the room for a moment; whatever it takes to calm yourself down. Remember you are modeling proper behavior.

* Get down to your kid's level! That is right— bend on down, sit on the floor, slow down your rate of speech, and in the least amount of words give them a WARNING— "No hit mommy or time-out."

* Focus on your non-verbal communication! If you want your child to know you are mad, show them mad on your face, and in the tone of your voice. Slow your rate of speech, lower your voice tone, and put on your mad face.

* Follow through! If you have given a warning and the undesired behavior continues, it is time for a time-out. No excuses, it is teaching time.

• Sit your child in the time-out chair.
• Explain why they are there, for example "You hit mommy."
• Tell them to sit in the chair.
• Set the timer for a reasonable amount of time; remember you may have to increase the time as you practice the time-out.
• If your child gets up, return them back to the time-out chair without using any language.
• When the timer has rung re-explain to your child the reason for the time-out.
• Hug child and go play!
  

* Start young! Kids need practice and the sooner you develop a discipline plan and stick to it, the better. Be proactive, think of teaching proper behavior instead of correcting poor behavior. Remember kids with autism are FIRST KIDS so like any other child they need boundries, consquences, and understanding.

Survival

I am back! After four months of healing from falling fourteen feet off a ladder and fracturing two vertebra and shattering my heel, I am beginning to reshape my life and getting back to writing on the Parenting Autism blog. My first professional step forward... many other steps taken (literally), with help of physical therapist, I am learning to re-walk.

While laying on the couch (my bed for eight weeks since I could not climb the stairs) my parenting plan of organic, whole foods and after-school activities like swimming, Lego club, art class, gymnastics, and karate exploded into hours of watching movies and eating cereal and toast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Our after school plan was simply:

1. Roll my walker with one foot while sitting on the bench, that clearly states "Warning DO NOT attempt to sit on seat while moving", from couch to front door.
2. Get coat on and open door.
3. Roll walker out on the front porch and sit in the frigged, Vermont Fall.
4. SMILE!
5. Wave at kids and moms that are helping Tristan and Dylan off the bus.
6. Kiss Tristan and Dylan.
7. Inquire about their school day; trying to pry-out more than what they ate for lunch.
8. Open door and roll back into our house while reminding the boys to pick-up their backpacks, coats, and shoes off the floor, so I can get back into the house.
9. Sit at the door, yelling, "I can't get through with your stuff all over the floor."
10. Roll through the living room dodging any dropped toys, books, food, and collapse on the couch.

The above mission would take me about forty-five minutes to execute. After an afternoon nap I would lift my head long enough to help Tristan and Dylan with homework-- no executive functioning plans on how we would set-up our afternoon, straight and simply-- survival.

At first, the voice inside my head screamed that I was ruining my children-- Tristan would slip into his old patterns of reciting entire movies and only eating Veggie Bootie and pepperoni, Dylan would not learn to read by the end of kindergarten, and Liam since he was only two (almost three) would turn into a swearing, punching, kicking preschooler with the corruption of Stars Wars and Harry Potter.

Well, I can report four months later that Tristan, Dylan, and Liam did not spiral down into children that were feared by me and every other person. Instead, Tristan learned how to put the dogs "away" in their crates (so, not to eat their food) and how-to pour cereal and milk into bowls. They all learned to put away their clothes, dress, bathe, and brush teeth independently. Liam learned to sleep next to me instead of with me.

And I learned more in the last four months about life than in my prior thirty-five years and I hope to scribble some of those thoughts to you.

Last Thought:

Pause your life, right now. Take a deep breath into your soul. Thank yourself for all you have done and inquired. Be grateful that air can pass through your lungs and that you have this moment. Namaste.

Autism Awareness Month-- Parenting Autism Workshops

Today marks the first day of National Autism Awareness Month and the people here, behind-the-scenes at Parenting Autism decided we wanted to give back to the Autism Community by offering a FREE parenting workshop on every Saturday in April. Parents from all over Vermont and one family from Quebec have been calling and emailing to register.

As we get closer to our first workshop in Burlington, VT this Saturday the buzz of excitement grows because we know families are not getting enough support which results in splintered families, families that don’t work, and relationships that don’t flourish. We want to help you create a meaningful family while preparing your child(ren) for adulthood. Sign-up today at angela@parenting-autism.org

Burlington, Vermont Workshop
Saturday, April 4th, 2009
8:30am-12:30pm (light fare provided)
MAIN STREET LANDING PERFORMING ARTS CENTER
The Great Room
Corner of Lake & College Streets
Sixty Lake Street
Burlington, Vermont 05401

Rutland, Vermont Workshop
Saturday, April 11th, 2009
9:30am-1:30pm (lunch provided)
RUTLAND FREE LIBRARY
The Fox Room
10 Court Street
at the intersection of Court and Center Streets
Rutland, VT

St. Albans, Vermont Workshop
Saturday, April18th, 2009
9:00am-1:00pm (lunch provided)
NORTHWESTERN COUNSELING AND SUPPORT SERVICES
130 Fisher Pond Road, St. Albans, VT
(the new building)

Norwich, Vermont Workshop
April 25th, 2009
10:00am-2:00pm (light fare provided)
UPPER VALLEY EVENTS CENTER
Route 5 SouthNorwich VT

Here are some highlights from our workshop, Build Your Family:

• After Diagnosis: Grief, depression, anxiety, sadness is a host of emotions that a family must continue to face throughout the lifespan, not just after diagnosis — we help with dealing with emotions and how to make plans to move forward. Including connecting to your community to gain a support network and find “your people”.
  
• Build An Inclusive School Team: Through strong team building skills and meeting planning we teach you how to have a working team at school and at home.
  
• Create Your Family: What are your family values? How does your life support the family values? Learn how to create a weekly family meeting, family dinners, and family outings for everyone.
  
• Your Child: Learn how to prepare your child for a meaningful and productive happy adulthood now at whatever age they are. Teaching life skills in way your child can understand.
  
• Medical Issues: Learn how talk to doctors so they will understand. How does pain affect children with autism and what you can do to help?

Live Now

Do you live right, now? I mean— are you present in the moment of now? Present in what is happening at the present — not the future or the past — but the now. Yes, it is a difficult task to not project forward to potential prospects or not dwell on what has occurred in your history. Take a moment — look around — what are you missing? Your children dancing around the living room to the latest tunes from your IPod or your spouse glancing at you with loving eyes or a phone call from a long-lost friend, what is more important — what you need to do to get to the next thing, event, or item on calendar or the now?

I challenged myself to living in the present; to take every opportunity that happens in the moment. The other night I snuggled on the top bunk with Tristan as we looked through one of our Waldo books I thought nothing of the piled-up dishes in the sink or laundry to add to the washer, I stayed focused on finding Waldo and guess what? We had a blast, not only did Tristan and I have fun, but we connected. Tristan knew all my energy and thoughts were on him and the activity, not on the steps of the evening or tomorrow’s phone calls.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring maybe you will win a million dollars or get hit by a car so spending all your reserves on the future or the past robs you of the present. After Tristan was diagnosed with autism I spent hours and perhaps even days at a time, researching and analyzing how Tristan could have gotten autism. I remember sitting in my warm car looking out at the children playing on the beach while Tristan and Dylan sat strapped into their car seats, so I could take a call from a pharmaceutical representative about a vaccine Tristan received two years earlier. Instead I could have been at the beach playing in the sand with my kids and living because whatever was said on the phone did not matter. What happened two years earlier did not help me or Tristan then or even now.

So, go live for the present. Challenge yourself to live an hour or a day or even a week in the now. See what the results are if you shed the baggage of the past and stop analyzing the future. Perhaps you will find what I have found — PEACE.

The Holidays and Autism

We have come a long way from Tristan hiding under the table at holiday parties (or any gathering more than just his immediate family) and grabbing guest’s legs as they entered his space. To an onlooker Tristan’s behavior might have seemed childish and fun, but not to me I saw years of parties with Tristan hiding. So like anything else in Tristan’s world we began teaching him how to behave appropriately at a party, not that we expected a chatty preschooler who stood-up and sang his favorite tune, but we needed him not to run under the table and pull down the tablecloth to hide behind.

Any party can be stressful for children with ASD, but I think the holidays offer a whole new bag of surprises. Expectations are high, change is present, and the anxiety (good or bad) can bring Tristan tumbling down. During the holidays our worlds are whipped up on high-speed — think of all the change that just happens at home.

We celebrate Christmas, so a tree moves in and just as Tristan is getting adjusted to the smell, the space it takes up, the lights, and all the decorations, the tree is discarded in the compost pile. Then anxiety of the actual day of Christmas, everyday until Christmas I will be asked, “Is it Christmas, today?” Then all the preparation— the tree, the cooking, the parties, comes to a halt and people invade our home to enjoy our yearly Christmas day open house.

Now Tristan has learned to entertain our guests instead of hiding, but has opportunities to escape if needed. Tristan might even give a holiday smooch, if you are a patient.

Tips to making your holiday the best ever:

• Teach your child the appropriate way to act at a party. You might begin slowly with the child sitting on your lap or in a body sock, but being with the crowd. Then work towards interacting with the party-goers — my favorite trick to getting Tristan to be social at a party is to give him a job like handing out drinks or passing around appetizers.
  



• Write a social story about the party or about the holiday, so the child knows what to expect.
  



• Give a movie break, if you see anxiety level rising.
  



• Make a holiday calendar to mark special events like going to buy a Christmas tree or school play or party. Don’t forget to mark when the tree is leaving the house.
  



• Keep everything simple and then it will be less overwhelming for everyone.
  



• Relax, if you are stressed likely your child will be stressed, so kick back and enjoy your time with your family and friends.

The Holiday Season is Knocking

As we trotted down the front steps to our blue mini-van the snow flakes twirled around our heads landing on the leaves and melting, but soon the white puffs will stay and our home will fill with a balsam fir and smell of sugar cookies. With a grin across his face, Tristan lowered his voice and asked, "When will Santa come?"

As much as Tristan loves the holidays it does bring a bag of anxieties that we need to sort out like relatives wanting to chat with him about school and all he wants is to discuss the Star Wars movies while hiding behind me. Not to mention the hugging and kissing. I think Tristan wants to participate in the ritual of affection, but has a difficult time crossing over from wanting to doing. While his brothers bounce from one lap to another giving-out hugs and kisses freely, Tristan usually sticks close to my side guarding against any surprise attacks.

We have made improvements in the last few years, I remember one family celebration that Tristan spent the entire evening under a serving table and when anyone came near he would fend off the advances with a kick. That was before Tristan really had any meaningful communication and before his sensory system was regulated.

Now we have strategies:

• We try and down play the holidays because the build-up to the event can cause more anxiety then needed. One year, Peter and I did not tell Tristan it was Christmas until the night before.
• We scale back on all the family gatherings and everyone is invited to our house on Christmas day so that Tristan has all his supports.
• Unless the kids bring up Christmas we don't really talk about it.
• We don't have a TV, so our kids don't get all the commercials about Christmas.
  

In the end we try to enjoy all the rituals leading up to the holiday season like hiking and finding the perfect tree to cut down and bring home or the stringing of our outdoor lights. We create little events throughout the two months that are just as exciting and special, but have less stress involved.

For give me... please?

I apologize for not posting a blog entry in awhile — two things have been happening in my life: one, all family members have been dripping with cold germs including me (it always takes me longer to shed the microbes) and that we have exciting progress at Parenting Autism that I will be telling everyone about soon.

Spiraling Down

In these unpredictable economic times, I pondered the question, how are families with children with autism paying their bills and providing for their families? I asked families all over the country to email me to telling me their stories of surviving the economic down-turn. In no way is this article a scientific evaluation of family income or lifestyle, just an overview of what is plaguing our country.

According to the 2000 Census report more and more families rely on two incomes to stay in the middle class and what my interviews uncovered was that families with kids on the spectrum often don’t have two full–time incomes due to caring for their child. Before the age of three it is often difficult to find and retain appropriate childcare for children with autism and then after the age of three your child should receive services through your local school system, but usually not enough time for a full-time job. Along with the intensive caring and re-enforcing behavioral therapies, many parents are their child’s case manager — dealing with doctor consults, educational programs, and home therapies which results in many meetings, emails, and phone calls every month.

What I found were that parents often work split shifts, so one person can always be home with the child with autism or be able to manage the doctor’s appointments, therapists, and meetings. The financial and emotional stress can be daunting with families left unsupported. Other families live on one income trying to live from paycheck to paycheck, giving up taking the kids to movies (not to mention a night on the town) for gluten-free, casein-free bread for their child with autism or occupational therapy or medical care, all things these kiddos need to thrive. Parents that make the choice to have one parent stay-home with their child often end-up here not because they want to be a stay-at-home parent, but because there is no other option.

As a result families plunge into financial distress with their relationships following — who can really endure a child with special needs, economic uncertainty, emotional stress, and workplace demands along with maintaining a concrete marriage. The American Autism Society claims that over 80% of the families affected by autism result in divorce. Combined with the stats from the Census report that women are 50% more likely to spiral down into poverty after a divorce, this paints a bleak picture for all families. We need more funding to be allocated towards strengthening autism programs, respite care, and professional training to help the entire family not just the child.

While I read emails from parents, I often think we are, the United States, the richest country in the world, of course we can pay for special education or healthcare for all or job coaching or even appropriate daycare for all children regardless of age and abilities, we chose not to (support these programs). However, I believe we won’t get there without political will and people saying “no, our tax dollars should not be spent to make the rich richer, but help all our citizens.”

Part Three: How we got here...

This blog post is the third part of a three part series, so if you would like to read the first part click here, Autism Speaks, Jenny McCarthy, and others, thank you, now let's create an inclusive movement and the second part is here, Let Me Explain.

Let me apologize for not posting last night... I forgot it was debate night and I obsessed with watching the body language of the candidates that I fell right to sleep. More about the debate later.

As for where I left off, I received Tristan's vaccination records along with his general medical records and after studying them I found that within 24-36 hours after each vaccine Tristan was back in the doctor's office with more abdominal pain and lack of sleep. Explanation for Tristan's autism diagnosis, I don't know, do I think that Tristan was harmed by vaccines, I don't know.

Tristan could have been exposed to all sorts of toxins through everyday life that a link to vaccines is difficult for me to conclude. I can let go of the cause of Tristan's autism, if the prognosis for him will be good.

So, I made a choice to think about the future and not what may had been done to him, but what I can do about it. Unlike our other children, we focus much more on Tristan obtaining skills that will improve his life for the long-term. I don't spend hours thinking about ways to get Dylan and Liam to dress themselves or teach them how to wash themselves; I do for Tristan. We have a team of professionals that helps Tristan prepare for adulthood at the age of six. Heck, we started at three with daily charts and teaching Tristan how to feed himself.

After a moment of deciding where I wanted to go with Tristan's autism, I decide to not look back, but to step forward. O.k., maybe something or someone hurt my kid, but sooner or later kids get damaged and we as parents can move forward or stay put. We placed all our money, time, and energy on moving forward.

It wasn't until last year when I was telling a story about Tristan to a friend and colleague, Nat, who has autism that moving forward took front stage. After a day long retreat to write the final Vermont Autism Plan I pulled Nat aside and told him about how Tristan was already being called "stupid" (read more at Am I Stupid?) and how I thought we would not make it through kindergarten before I would have to home school him. I thought I would get sympathy, but instead, Nat said, "Well, if you take Tristan out of school then how are they (neurotypicals) going to learn to deal with us (autistics)?"

Well, Nat has a good point if I shelter Tristan from the everyday remarks of kindergartens then how is he going to negotiate the workplace. Instead of protecting Tristan from others, I empowered him by teaching him skills to connect with others, and it works!

Some people don't recognize Tristan 's autism when they meet him anymore, but I do. If you spent one minute in Tristan's classroom, you would pick-up on Tristan being different than the other children. I don't think I can just erase the autism, but I do I think we can develop the pieces that need to be worked on.

I created Parenting Autism to look forward and figure out how we can all work, play, and love together. Parenting Autism will continue to work towards an inclusion movement that helps all individauls succeed to their greatest potential.