How I Stopped Pitying My Child

I had to hire a babysitter to I could go pee, so Dylan (son #2) could survive until his first birthday.  Tristan had claws like lobsters and every time, just walking, Dylan would toddle over to big brother Tristan to steal one of his lined-up plastic animals, Tristan would pinch his cheeks.  Dylan became our star therapist always interrupting Tristan’s autistic trance, but the downside was that Dylan had continual bloody cheeks for about two years. 

One morning I plopped Dylan up on the counter to apply his daily dose of antibacterial cream to his cheeks and it occurred to me that we needed to change course and I was enabling Tristan to behave poorly because I pitied him.  At four years old, Tristan blabbed like a six month old; when he wanted a cracker he would stand at the cabinet until I got him a snack.  We were working on, “cracker, please” and if I said it, Tristan would repeat. 

After the first few months that Tristan was diagnosed with autism I let all the “professionals” take over the responsibility of raising my child.  They had their P.H.D.s in speech therapy, physical therapy, childhood development, and occupational therapy and in my sleep deprived mind they were the best choice to parent Tristan. 

Like Sleep Beauty being woken with a kiss, I was shaken out of my stupor with words from a good friend and established parent of five who also just so happens to be a developmental pediatrician, “Angela, you know that some of Tristan behaviors are typical, right?”  I shot back a glance and said, “What do you mean?”  He went on to explain that kids are first kids (the autism was second) and that they need structure and discipline. 

This concept of Tristan having typical behaviors that all toddlers and preschoolers flirt with like hitting, pinching, biting, and tantrums at first made me angry (OH, so now I have to not only deal with the autistic characteristics, but I have to also parent his typical behaviors!) and at the same time relieved for having Tristan have a part of him that was like all his peers.  

Over the next few months we (our team including me) made structure and consequences for good and bad actions a continual plan we were all working on.  If Tristan hit another child, he had a time-out (see blog post for tips for time-outs), but for every negative interaction we balance it with five positive interactions.  You can easy slide into (and I still do) correcting or disciplining and not recognizing when your child doesn’t hit or pinch or says, “Mama, cracker, please?”  The balance is the key to growing your child into a responsible older child that understands boundaries and respects others.

Finally, the last piece is consistency and practice.  Tristan needed more time to practice how to sit on the step for a time out.  We began with many visual cues and a limited amount of time (again, really you should read this blog post).  Then we all practiced praising when Tristan deserved being rewarded (don’t give out positive praise too quickly).  The whole process still continues and we are still practicing but not at the “boot camp” level; now it is integrated into our everyday life.

Time-Out Strategies

Yesterday, I was chatting in the hall at school with a mom (of kid with autism) about discipline and guess what? She admitted that she only disciplines her typically developing children, not her child with autism. Since this was the third conversation about disciplining kids on the spectrum in the last three days, I thought this would be a good place to discuss the ins and outs of discipline strategies.

Today, I am just going to talk about how to effectively use a "time-out" for young (1-5) children with autism. First, if your "time-out" strategy has failed in the past, change the name and place (we actually call our time-out, break time) for a fresh beginning.

Set-up your time-out chair. Whether you use a chair or a bean bag or a step, keep it consistent and easy for your child to take a break and re-group. For children with sensory issues which makes sitting more difficult, try placing a Gymnic Disc in-between the child and the chair; it will give some sensory stimulation while allowing your child to sit longer.

If your child is a visual learner take a picture of your child sitting in the time-out chair, print out the photo, and tape it to the wall just above the time-out chair. Write "Time-Out Chair" below the photo to add another support. The photo will reinforce the proper behavior and remind the child why they are taking a break.

Free the time-out area of distractions; for example: clear toys away, turn-off the Ipod or the T.V., and allow your child time to re-group, so he will be available to make better choices.

Use a visual clock with timer so your child can see how long they need to sit. Typically one minute for each year of life, but children with autism might need to practice to sit in a chair for five minutes if they are five years old. So, begin with one minute and work toward the five minute goal. Keep the clock out of reach of the child, but in visual proximity. Now that your time-out chair is set-up and ready for use, now what?

When we are discussing time-outs (or discipline in general) often parents are ones that need the rules. We can get emotional and forget that we are teaching proper behavior and explode into a fast talking, babbling fool that our children can't understand. Here are some guidelines to follow for success:

* Be patient! Re-frame the situation. For example: Your child wackes you on the head with a plastic hammer and it really hurts and all you want to do is scream and jump up and down. Instead, breath, count, leave the room for a moment; whatever it takes to calm yourself down. Remember you are modeling proper behavior.

* Get down to your kid's level! That is right— bend on down, sit on the floor, slow down your rate of speech, and in the least amount of words give them a WARNING— "No hit mommy or time-out."

* Focus on your non-verbal communication! If you want your child to know you are mad, show them mad on your face, and in the tone of your voice. Slow your rate of speech, lower your voice tone, and put on your mad face.

* Follow through! If you have given a warning and the undesired behavior continues, it is time for a time-out. No excuses, it is teaching time.

• Sit your child in the time-out chair.
• Explain why they are there, for example "You hit mommy."
• Tell them to sit in the chair.
• Set the timer for a reasonable amount of time; remember you may have to increase the time as you practice the time-out.
• If your child gets up, return them back to the time-out chair without using any language.
• When the timer has rung re-explain to your child the reason for the time-out.
• Hug child and go play!
  

* Start young! Kids need practice and the sooner you develop a discipline plan and stick to it, the better. Be proactive, think of teaching proper behavior instead of correcting poor behavior. Remember kids with autism are FIRST KIDS so like any other child they need boundries, consquences, and understanding.